Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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