she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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