I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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