im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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