You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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