im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
