sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
