I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
