Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
