Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
