I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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