and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
