Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
