I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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