I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
