I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I AM VODKA MAN
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
last night I used snow as a chaser
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
