i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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