Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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