dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
