we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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