We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
