i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
