Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
