There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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