we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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