Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
