Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
she looked like the before picture.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
