I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
So squirting runs in the family.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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