You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
