Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
another moral hangover. fuck.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
