I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
