I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
