So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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