in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
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