I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I can't turn off my feet"
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
