How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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