Who did Billy Mays play for?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
