My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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