i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
