But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
