You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
