I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
