I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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