Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
