are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
