we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
