I'm laying in your front yard are you home
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
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