i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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