and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
