I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
